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Stephanie's Journal
LiveJournal for Stephanie.

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Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Subject:about yesterday and how today has been going
Time:4:01 pm.
Mood: tired.

ok yesterday may 27, 2009 i went out with my aunt elaine and uncle bill. they had to go to the mushroom plant that is reopening to get some applications for the job. he got one for mark also. anyway, i feel weird just going with uncle bill when he is looking for work, i feel like the man should go alone when he is doing this, cause he knows what he is doing.  but i didn't know he was heading there. and aunt elaine goes with him anyway, when she has no busy going.

anyway we get the applications, and then start headingto town. aunt elaine wanted to get a wig cause she didn't like how her hair is. well, it wouldn't be so short if she didn't go crazy one day and start wacking at it! so we went by tnt mart to get a wig she got a curly one after finally making up her mind about it and driving the sale woman crazy! and she is so self consious about it that she had to keep asking everyone she saw how they liked it and everything. i have to say at times it is so embarrising to be out with her in public. and uncle bill feels the same way.

well, then we went by lindy's chicken where uncle bill works and got something to eat. after we were done we were on our way home (well, i was going over to their house) would you believe it we had to turn right back around and go back to town? cause aunt elaine's wig was coming apart! so we did that, but before we could stop by tnt mart to talk with them about the wig. she wanted to go to another wig place first and see what they had. so uncle bill took us there, and we looked around. aunt elaine found one that she liked, it is a straight one. didn't really look that good on her, but she wouldn't listen. so she bought the wig for 30 something dollars, the other one was only 10 something. anyway we headed back to tnt mart to see what they could do about the wig. when we got there, they reglued it for her and she was all happy. she got a bottle of nail polish that was 1.99 and then we were finally on our way back home!

poor uncle bill, she puts him through so much. when we got home he couldn't even rest at all. she started telling him to do this and to do that. it wasn't even funny. a few times there he actually talked back to here (way to go uncle bill!!) but it didn't change anything. i was just so happy to get back home yesterday.

now for today. may 28, 2009. aunt elaine called me early this morning wondering if i wanted to come over later this afternoon. cause they were already out and about and she would call me if she wanted me to come over. never did, not until 7:48pm i happend to be outside and didn't answer the phone. i don't really want to talk with her anyway. i think i'll just tell her that i went to bed early tonight and didn't hear the phone ring. just need a break from her. her craziness is just to much for me to handle and making me stress out. it was nothing important that she wanted to talk about anyway. i know one thing if she wanted me to come over tonight and sit with her there is no way that i am going to do that. but other than that today has been good. i cleaned some, played with the animals, and so forth. right now i am going to get off of here and spend time with my hubby and watch betoveen 2nd. so i'll write later on. bye for now.
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Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

Subject:pictures of my pets
Time:11:24 am.
Mood: loved.

this is our new puppy jaws. mark rescued him after a person threw him out. he is a riot and i am so glad that we got him!

this is me and goldie, she loves to lay on me. she is my cat :)

this is ginger. she is 9 years old and i have had her since she was 3 years old. this was taken when she was out in california. she loves to lay out in the sun.

this is bullet, he was another rescue. we rescued him from the people that lved next to us. they were abusing him. and he came with us all the way to florida :)

this is goldie and she loves to lay by the computer. she just happend to lay down like this and it was so adorable i couldn't resist taking her picture. and then she fell to sleep like that lol. how adorable she is!

this is mark and jaws. he is so happy to have a lab again! and then we have hot rod! she is goldies sister and she never stops running, that is why she is called hot rod!

well, that is all of my pets. i love all my fur babies. they are all spoiled lol. well, got to go be back later.
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Subject:just got back home
Time:10:35 am.
Mood: tired.
i just got back from going to town with dad. i just felt like getting out of the house. so when he came up to our house with the mail and he mentioned that he was heading to town. i asked him if i could go with him and he was all happy that i wanted to go with him. we went to burger king and he had a coffee and i got a chocolate milkshake. even though it was raining out that milkshake tasted so good! lol then we headed to the sherriff station where they fix the cars at, and my dad got some blue lights to go on his new car that he is working on. i am interested in seeing what they look like in it. he is out there right now working on it. we are going to walk out there and see how it is going in a little bit.

after that my dad wanted to go see what my uncle gene was up too. he was suppose to be painting today but he was in the house instead. it was to wet today to paint anything. i know that it has been raining like crazy here! we have gotten over 5 inches of rain here.

also the other day mark rescued a puppy in our back yard. the puppy can't be more than a month old, and he is a chocolate lab, and we have named him jaws cause he likes to bite everything! i hope that i can add a pic of him in here. i'll see if i can do that in a little while. i have so many pictures that i want everyone to see :) lol.

so at least i am feeling a little better than this morning. it just really got on my nerves that she was calling again. and i know that tonight she is going to try and call me again hopefully i wont be home at the time she does. it is pretty bad when i get to know the times that a person is going to call. anyway i am going to go for now. i'll be back later on to write more, trying to update my diary more often now. i've missed it.

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Subject:about to lose my mind!
Time:6:29 am.
Mood: frustrated.
ok, have any of you out there ever gotten so fed up of the same person calling you every single day? i mean about 3 or 4 times or more all day long? i feel like i am about to pull my hair out cause my aunt keeps calling me day after day after day. i am the type of person that doesn't talk on the phone all the time, and if you talk with the same person every day you have nothing new to talk about. i either have to put up with my aunt's drama and then trying to calm her down. it gets tiring after awhile.

see my aunt is nothing but a drama queen, and she thinks no matter what is going on in her life it is the most important, or worse then what everybody else is going through in their lives. my poor uncle is catching all hell cause she is making him feel like crap! see he lost is job a while back, but managed to get hired at a chicken place here in town. it is family owned so he was able to get in. ever since then she has been whining and complaining they don't have enough money for this or that. see my uncle was making big money at his last job, 400 a week, so that made her think she was all high and mighty. which she gets a check each month too but she doesn't really share her money with her husband. some people act like that in their marriages. but she expects her husband to give her money when she needs it.

i was over at her house last week, and i actually was able to see what my uncle had to go through with her. i mean for christ sake he couldn't even fill out his own job application to another job without her wanting to do it!! she was saying that his hand writing wasn't good enough to fill it out, and blah blah blah. finally my uncle let her do it, and when she started filling it out she started putting him down cause she thought he done something wrong. saying that was stupid to put that on your application don't you think? he just rolled his eyes and said i guess so. my aunt has major problems anyway, she has bipolor, and other mental health issues. but since i seen her act mean to my uncle the way she did, i haven't been wanting to have much to do with her.

her and her niece had a fight a couple of weeks ago. her niece said to my aunt, "you know when i want to find drama i know who to call. cause there is always something with you that makes you think the world is coming to an end. you think your problems are so much bigger than any other people out there." of course my aunt got defensive, but her niece was not done with her yet. she also said that she felt sorry for her uncle cause she has to put up with her. and she also hoped that her uncle leaves her for someone better. cause he doesn't deserve what she puts him through.

and i feel the same way. he does deserve better, he has been dealing with her going on 28 years now. and i know that he is getting tired of her, i saw him do something i never seen him do before. he pretended to shoot himself in the head with his finger, i have never seen him do that. my aunt is stressing him out so much that i am scared he might do something to himself. and even when he goes out to an interview at different jobs my aunt has to go with him. why? i haven't got a clue! she should stay at home and not but her nose into his business. she even wants him to go into the correctional system. my uncle doesn't want to do it, and he has told her this, but still she is trying to push him in that direction. she is trying to get my husband to go into it too!

my uncle and her have been getting into fights over this. and she told me that my uncle said to her that she is just trying to control what he wants to do. and you know what? he is right! i just don't know if i can take hearing from her so often anymore. this morning she called me, i didn't answer the phone. i told her last night when we talked that mark was going to have an important phone call this morning and we have to keep the phone clear. what does she do? she calls me! ahhhh! she is suppose to have something done on her back today, i know all about that, i don't need to hear it again! can anybody tell that i am furstrated?

and she is not like a normal person that you can tell to stop calling so much. oh no, she will take it like don't call me anymore type of thing. and get all pissed off. i mean she already freaks out when she hasn't heard from me in 2 days. i think it was last weekend, when she called she wanted to know why she hadn't heard from me, i told her i have just been a little busy, and then she gets an attitude with me saying i guess that is a good reason, i'm sorry i bothered you, i wont call you again, and hung up the phone on me! then she called me right back saying ha ha just joking you know i can't stop calling. oh boy do i know that!

god sometimes i wish i was back in california, that way i wouldn't have to deal with all the stress right now. most of it coming from my aunt! at least when we were out in california i could tell her we don't have a phone or it won't work where we are at. which was the truth, so the only way we communicated was through the internet which is fine with me. i can't even talk with her through messenger without her calling me. telling me that her fingers were getting tired typing to me. so she decided to call instead.

and for some reason, that i haven't even figured out and don't know how in the world it started. everybody thinks it is a little nuts and so do i but i go with it just to keep the peace in the family. she has started calling me her little sis, and she wants me to call her big sis. she thinks that we have such a close connection and that we tell each other everything. which i don't tell her everything cause it will be all over town if i did. it freaks me out that she has started calling me this. everybody asks her why? and she just says oh it's just something special that me and stephie have going on. we don't have to explain it to anybody. i sure wish she would, then maybe someone could explain it to me? don't you all think that this is a little freaky?

i guess what i really want is some help in trying to tell her to cut down on calling me. in this month alone she has called me over 30 times. i have given my number out to other family and friends they have not called me as much as she has. i am kind of starting to think of her like a stalker instead of an aunt here lol. anyway, if anyone reads this please give me some comments on what to do here? i love my aunt, but this is getting to much. i have to go for now, got to get mark up. i'll be back later on. bye for now

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Friday, November 21st, 2008

Subject:i'm tired of pretending
Time:1:49 pm.
Mood: blah.
i'm tired of pretending everything is just great with me and my hubby. no one knows all that i have to go through with him. i thought it was going to be different when we got married, but it still all the same. i do love him and yeah we do have our goodtimes. but that is becoming fewer now. no matter what i say to him half the time he bites my head off. says i don't do what a wife should do. i don't know what else he wants from me, i clean the best i can for him, i wash his clothes, i cook for him, i make sure he doesn't need to get up to get anything cause i am there. but it seems like it is just not good enough. i try my best, but it is just not enough.

just like with my weight, he says that i look fine, but then all the hateful words comes out of his mouth. it seems like to me all that he cares about is drinking, smoking, or doing what ever he wants to do. i tried to get him to help me around the house but he wont. i wanted him to help me clean out the storage unit but he wouldn't even help me with that (still needs to be done though). now that he is back at work, it's nice to be alone here. but i still have to do everything, cause i have no help from him. and then he wants to say to me (when i decided not to do anything one day) he gets all over me, making me feel like shit, saying that "i don't clean, i don't do anything, it is all on him. and he has to do everything." what a bunch of bull! even though i am sick he expects me to clean and do everything that a wife needs to do. he even gets upset that i want to take a nap! so i try not to do that at all. and he doesn't like me being on the computer, talking with anyone, he doesn't know why i want to have friends on here when i have him. or he gets upset when someone comes over to talk with me.

i think he has some problems with wanting to control me. he doesn't even like it when i write in my diary, weither it be on here or offline. he says that i am keeping secrets from him and he doesn't like it. i am just writing down my feelings, i think i have every write to have a diary. don't you?

no one really knows what is going on with us, i just put on a happy face and say that i love married life, everything is wonderful! when it is not. he says to me even when i type something for him, he puts me down for that too. if i miss spell a word he puts me down, when i don't know how to spell a word he sighs loudly and in a sarcastic way he spells the word to me.

i really feel sorry for all his past girlfriends, and his ex wife too. just to think what all they had to go through with him. and he surely doesn't even want me to get in contact with them or anything. but secertly i have been wanting to, cause i need to find out how he treated them. then i will really know what i got myself into. i am taking a very big step writing this in here even. i sure don't need him finding this, no telling what he will do. you don't know how many times i have went to bed crying over what he has said to me. anyway i guess i better go, have lots to do before he gets home. i'll write more later, bye.

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Subject:my weight, it disgusts me :(
Time:9:53 am.
Mood: crappy.
it is just so hard to stay on track! i have gained weight back all because i have been so emotional lately, and i turned to food for comfort! and hearing hubby say to me that i am lazy, fat, and calling me every cuss name in the book is not really helping me very much. like last night he said to me that seeing me eat was disgusting, he said that i was chewing with my mouth open which was not true at all. i always chew with my mouth closed! well, i am not going to eat in front of him at all, or i wont eat anything at all! i am going to work out every day, i am going to get skinny dammit! and he will never say horrible words to me ever again when i am skinny. i am going to be skinner than he is! and he is about 144 or so, i am going to be a whole lot less than that. heck i know that he likes skinny girls anyway. he knows how much i dislike my weight, and it hurts like hell to hear him say something about it, but i will show him and i will show everyone, that i can be a skinny girl!

god i can't even stand looking in the mirror, and it's bad enough to have 2 right here where i am sitting, and  then another in the bathroom. and to know that i have ate over 700 cals last night makes me sick to my stomach. i only had 1 corndog, and a turkey sandwich! this is not good, i can't believe i ate all that much, i am such a pig!! i shouldn't have ate anything. i need to work out a lot today! which i have been doing that a lot lately, need to weigh myself, but scared to see what the scale will read.

all i want to be is pretty! why can't i be pretty?? :( i am going to go for now, i'll write more later. bye

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Friday, October 24th, 2008

Subject:ok been a really long time
Time:11:15 pm.
okay everyone, i know that i haven't written in this for a while now. a lot of things have been happening. me and mark are going to go back to florida in just about 2 to 3 months. and we have a big dullie truck that is going to get us there! we are going to pull our 5th wheel camper with us, and load it up with all of the things we want to take with us. so it is going to be good. i am looking forward to going back home, a lot of things have changed back there, me and my dad's relatioship is a lot better now. when me and mark went out there to be married on april 26, 2008 my dad welcomed us with great big hugs. and he is happy to hear that we are coming back home real soon. which we need to get out there as soon as we can since my dad has cancer. he is doing alright at the moment. but he has already had 3 or 4 sugeries. so we need to get out there and be with him. i don't know when he is going to go, i hope that it is not for a very long time. we still want to spend a lot of time with him. and i want to give him a grandbaby before he goes too. 

it is a hard subjest to talk about. i hate talking about losing family or even friends. it depresses me like crazy! so i pretend like it is never going to happen, not until i have to finally relize that it will in the future. 

also me and mark have a new cat! his name is bullet and he is black, with a little white patch on his chest. and he has yellow eyes. he is beautiful! he has been coming around the house for a long time, but just recently we have started letting him inside and he just loves us so much. he cuddles up with us when we go to bed, and sits right next to us on the couch. he has taken to mark more since he has been inside. which is alright, he still spends time with me too. basically you can call him both our cats, cause when mark is not here bullet is with me. and when i'm not here he is with mark. can't beat that really.
anyway i just wanted to take a little time to write. i am going to go for now. i'll catch you all later. goodnight everyone

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Tuesday, June 10th, 2008

Subject:busy day
Time:2:16 pm.
Mood: tired.
today i have been really busy. i've been cleaning the house, i've got most of it done but still need to do more. and i haven't had anymore sleep since 3 am this morning. so i have been up since then until now and i have to say i am worn out. which i could just go to bed but i know i can't. i need to make this place look spotless for mark. it is hard to keep going though.

but i have to admit the music is helping me some to work. i just had to take a little break right now. but soon i have to get back to it. i have to vacume, finish washing the dishes, and clean off the kitchen table and chairs around it. it will soon be done though. mark just went back to bed, i did a few hours worth of work since he was asleep the first time, so i am going to go in a little bit and see how much more work i can get done before he gets up again. so i'll chat with you all again later. bye for now and have a good day everyone. 
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Monday, June 9th, 2008

Subject:update for you all!
Time:3:43 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
 hey everyone,

i know that it has been a very long time since i have written in here. just a lot of things have been keeping me away. isn't it funny how life can changed the things that you always enjoyed to do? i am married now, which is very good. and now we are thinking that i might be pregnant, but haven't done a test yet.

i probably am not expecting, which wouldn't be bad if i was. we just are not ready for it yet, the money and everything isn't there. but if turns out that i am going to have a baby, there is no way we are getting rid of it (if you know what i mean). we are just going to let nature takes it course.

today we might be going to the store and if we are then we will pick up a test. also mark has went through surgery on his elbow. he is doing alright, just trying to heal from it now. he is sleeping alot, he tends to do that when his body is trying to heal itself.

he has already got a moveable slint that will allow him to move his arm just a little bit. the doctor has to set how far mark can move his arm, and we go back to see him in 2 weeks. 

mark wants to be able to move it all the way right now. he is tired of being out from work and wants to go back. which everyone is being very understanding about it, and his job is in good standings.

and he is getting paid from work mans comp, so that is  really helping us out. it helped us get married in florida on april 26h. and that was a very nice visit we had with my dad and the rest of the family. we are thinking about moving back to florida, and staying on that farm again, but in our own place of course. my dad wants to buy us a place to live in. and i need to call him soon, haven't been able to call him since we got back to california. our cell phone has no signal where we live at so it is hard for us to call anyone.

our friend dean bought us a cell phone, he thought it was a good one when he bought it but he is sorry he didn't get us a better cell phone. which is alright, it works when we are not at home lol.

my dad was suppose to be having surgery again, he has prostate cancer and the doctor was going to go in and remove it. the doctor said that it wouls give my dad 4 to 5 more years to live, if not longer. so we want to get back out to florida as soon as we can so i have time to be with my dad before that time comes.

he has changed so much, and it was hard for us to leave him. he is not like he was when i was living there with him. he didn't treat me like a little kid or anything when he saw me. he actually grabed me and gave me a big hug when i knocked on the house door. and then when he saw mark he didn't want no hand shake fromhim, he wanted a big hug from him too. so we are going to try and get back out there as soon as we can.

i am going to miss people around here but i have to do what i feel i need to do. and also today was my last day for watching brianna, on tuesday and wednesday her dad is going to be home to take her to the school. and also wednesday is the last day of school for brianna and brandon. also it is graduation day for them, so we are going to try and go to both of them. we already got invitations to brandons graduation.

we are also going to tape it, i wanted to keep a tape of them both, but since her dad doesn't have a camcorder yet the tape is going to them. but that is alright, maybe they can let us record it one another vcr through there tv or something. but if we can't do that then at least i know we made a good memory for them to cherish for all their lives.

anyway, i guess that is all for now. i need to get going. i'll try to write more later. you all have a good day.
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

Subject:I am going to be married soon!
Time:9:57 am.
Mood: excited.
well, you read that right i am going to be married in florida on april 26, and turn right around and marry mark again here in cali on may 4th!! i can hardly wait!

the wedding day is all planned out here so we don't have to worry about that. our bestfriend dean is taking care of all of it for us. he wants to do it, and it is going to be lovely!!

now we are working on getting things ready for out in florida. that is taking a little bit to do but it will get done by the wedding date. i have to admit i am nervous, but excited at the sametime.

i have been waiting for a long time for this day to come. i can hardly believe that i am going to be mrs. stephanie carruthers in just 2 months. we have already got our rings, i am just so happy!!

when we get the pictures from the wedding i will try to post them on here. and i also want to try to buy a camcorder so we can video tape everything. i want both days to be documented for us :) it is going to be such a wonderful time!

all of my family is going to show up :) they want to help out with the florida wedding. they are all excited. my dad is going to give me away, and he is happy to hear that we are going to be coming out there :) yeah things are better with my dad now.

he changed a lot since he had his near death experenice. he had emergency surgery to remove his gallbladder cause it burst on him. and he almost didn't make it through it. and now he had to have a second surgery so the doctor could see if he had cancer or not. we are still waiting for the test results to come back.

and back home they had a bad tornado come through and a lot of things got damaged. my dad got woken up at 1 am by raining pouring in on him, cause the tornado put a whole in the roof. but he is alright.

i can't wait to see him, i never thought that i would be saying that after all he has put me through. but now that he is acting like a real father to me then my whole thoughts of him has changed. which is really great!

anyway, i just wanted to write in here and let you all know about the good news! i have a lot of work to do today so i have to be going for now. i will write more later on. got to pick up brianna from the school bus stop at 1 today. and sit with her until her dad comes home at 3 then come back home and do some work around the house.

so i'm going to go for now. talk with you all later. bye
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Monday, December 24th, 2007

Subject:talked to my dad today!
Time:1:50 am.
Mood: & tired.
i can't believe that i actually did it, after 2 years of not having any contact with him. i finally broke down and called him. i finally felt it was the right time to do it. cause he sent me a christmas card, and he sent me a $100 wal-mart gift card.

and i remember a long time back him saying that he would never send me any money as long as i was with mark. but i knew he changed when he sent that. the talk went wonderful i didn't want it to end. we talked about what was going on back home, and what has been going on out here. i am just so happy that i called him, it was like really talking with a loving father. just like it should be, no yelling, no putting me down for anything. just a real father daughter relationship. what i have always wanted.

i guess mircles really do happen huh? i can't wait to talk with him more. me and him started crying after we were going to hang up, we just didn't want the phone call to end. but the phone card ran out of mins, so we had to hang up right then, i told him i would keep in touch. and that made him happy. he couldn't stop saying how good it was to hear my voice, and how happy he was that i called him.

i used up all 100 phone mins on him. just like i told him i was going to do. so i am going to get another one so i can call him on christmas, and every other day. i want to keep in contact with him from now on. i just can't wait to hear his voice again.

i just had to write about me talking with my dad. it was a major part in my life. and i know that this was the best part of my dad's day, and a wonderful christmas present for him. i will keep you all updated on what happens from now on.

but right now i have to get to bed, it is after 1 in the morning and i am really tired. so i am going to go to bed and have wonderful dreams tonight. and i know when my dad went to bed he probably fell asleep with a smile on his face. just like i am going to do, knowing that we are finally back in each others lives. just like it should be. i just wish i could say goodnight and i love you dad. but i'm sure he knows that i am thinking of him all the time, and i do love him. i'm going now, goodnight everyone.

oh and we also got a 50" big screen hdtv for 325 off of ebay. we picked it up yesterday and man does it look great! it's a christmas present for e and mark from us. gosh i never thought we would be able to get one, but thanks to ebay we got it! i bow down to ebay. we have some other things coming later on too. anyway i am about to fall asleep at the computer so i better get to bed. night everyone.

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Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

Subject:survey #1 cause i'm bored
Time:2:34 pm.
Mood: bored.
1. Is your favorite fruit apples?: no
2. Have you ever liked a guy named Alex?: nope
3. Are you in a good mood right now?: yes

1. Are you scared of bugs?: some of them yes
2. Have you ever ridden the bus?: i've ridden the school bus only once.
3. Do you have a boyfriend?: yes, actually fiance :)

1. What’s your favorite kind of cookie?: oreo cookies!!!!
2. What are you going to do for Christmas?: go to a christmas party
3. Can you do the splits?: no

1. Have you done any kind of drugs before?: no
2. Can you draw?: some
3. Do you have any family traditions?: not really

1. Have you ever eaten anything disgusting?: nope
2. What color are your eyes?: brown
3. Are you emo?: no

1. Do you believe in fate?: yes
2. Who's your best friend?: tara
3. Have you had pet fish?: yes

1. Do you chew gum or eat mints?: both
2. Do you wear glasses?: only when i have to lol.
3. Are any of your friends gay?: yes

1. Have you been called hot before?: no
2. Are you usually happy?: yes
3. Do you like hippies?: they can be cool i guess

1. Is your room painted a color besides white?: yes
2. Do you like Incubus?: yes
3. What was your last injury?: bad sprined ankle

1. Have you ever been to jail?: no
2. Does your name start with a J?: not my first name, but the last name does.
3. Is your favorite month June or July?: no

1. Do you wear kandi?: no
2. Who was the last person you kissed?: mark
3. Have you ever been to Kansas?: no

1. Do you own a lava lamp?: no, but i have always wanted one
2. Are you in love?: yes
3. What do you do at lunch?: eat, watch tv

1. Have you heard of Muse?: yes
2. How much money do you have right now?: 25.00
3. Do you ever want to get married?: yes

1. What's your name?: stephanie
2. What's something you'll never do?: go on an airplane
3. Is it currently night time?: no

1. How old are you?: 26
2. Do you have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)?: no
3. Do you like the color orange?: a little, but i have more colors that i like best.

1. What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?: be really happy!!!
2. Do you throw away pennies?: no
3. Do you like pineapples on pizza?: yes, i think it's very yummy!!!

1. Are you a quiet person?: a little, until you get to know me, then i talk a whole lot.
2. Have you ever quit a job?: yes
3. Have you heard of the show Quincy?: yes

1. Do you like rock and roll?: yes
2. Are you currently reading a book?:yes
3. Do you like running?: no

1. Are you open about your sex life?: no
2. Have you snorted anything?: no
3. What's your favorite season?: autumn

1. Do you talk a lot?: when i am around people that know me. or when it is just me and mark together, then we can't stop talking. lol
2. Are you on a team?: no
3. How tall are you?: 5'4".

1. Are you wearing underwear?: yeah
2. Have you ever been stuck in the rain with no umbrella?: yes
3. Are you an indecisive person: hmmm, i guess sometimes.....

1. Do you celebrate Valentines Day?: yes, i do now :)
2. Do you like violent movies?: not all the time.
3. Do either of your parents drive a van?: no

1. Where do you live?: ca.
2. Do you work?: no
3. Have you tasted wine?: yes

1. Have you taken Xanax?: no
2. What's your ex like?: n/a
3. How often do you go on Xanga?: never

1. What are you looking forward to?: going to spend the day with mark's dad, and going to the christmas party soon.
2. "...And they were all yellow". Do you know what song that’s from?: can't remember
3. What did you do yesterday?: stay on the computer, and did some house work.

1. Are zebras your favorite animal?: one of my favs
2. Didn’t you assume zebras would be in this section?: not really
3. Have you ever gotten skin caught in a zipper?: nope

.One.:. Do your boyfriend's friends like you? yes

.:.Two.:. Does the song you're listening to have the title in the song? not listening to anything

.:.Three.:. Last time writing a letter, and to who? i can't rememebr when, but it was to my aunt elaine.

.:.Four.:. How long does a bar of soap last in your shower? a couple of weeks maybe more.

.:.Five.:. Is your hair wet? not yet, but going to be in a little bit. i have to get me a shower.

.:.Six.:. Do you carry around hand sanitzer with you? no

.:.Seven.:. Did you ever collect the lead from pencil crayons when it fell out as a kid? no

.:.Eight.:. Do you cross your sevens? no

.:.Nine.:. Do you like the colour Golden Yellow? a little

.:.Ten.:. What is the most people you have kissed in one week? 1

.:.Eleven.:. If you take a piss right before a shower, do you still wash your hands in the sink, or wait till you get in the shower? shower

.:.Twelve.:. Does your boyfriend know what you look like without make-up? yes

.:.Thirteen.:. Is your phone on a plan or pay-as-you-go? no cell phone yet.

.:.Fourteen.:. Do you carry band-aids with you? no

.:.Fifteen.:. Last time slitting your wrist? uh, never, thank god

.:.Sixteen.:. Have you ever mooned/flashed anyone? no

.:.Seventeen.:. Have you ever kissed two people who were siblings to each other? no

.:.Eighteen.:. Do you know how to crochet? yes

.:.Nineteen.:. Eighteenth text message in your outbox? no cell phone

.:.Twenty.:. Fourth text message in your inbox? see above

.:.Twenty-one.:. What does your deoderant smell like? it says pure satin

.:.Twenty-two.:. What brand is your eyeliner? haven't got a clue....

.:.Twenty-three.:. When praying, so you hold your hands flat together, or interlock your fingers? interlock fingers

.:.Twenty-four.:. Was the last load of laundry you did darks, colours, brights, delicates etc.. ? colours

.:.Twenty-five.:. Favourite character from the Archie Comics? don't have a fav.

.:.Twenty-six.:. Does your zipper say YKK on it? no

.:.Twenty-seven.:. Did you know a Canadian invented the Zipper? cool

.:.Twenty-eight.:. Last thing you borrowed from someone? videos

.:.Twenty-nine.:. Ever kissed more than one person with the same name? no

.:.Thirty.:. Do you actually lock your iPod? no ipod

.:.Thirty-one.:. The seventh artist on your iPod, the third song, what is it? see above

.:.Thirty-two.:. Do you understand screamo and/or rap? kind of

.:.Thirty-three.:. Highest level you have ever achieved in tetris? can't remember

.:.Thirty-four.:. Last time eating yogurt? a month or so ago

.:.Thirty-five.:. Last time seeing an ex? n/a

.:.Thirty-six.:. Last CD bought? haven't bought one in ages

.:.Thirty-seven.:. What colour are your head/earphones? black

.:.Thirty-eight.:. Do you like the band the Matches? never heard of them

.:.Thirty-nine.:. Do you get paid this Friday? i wish, i don't get paid until next thursday

.:.Forty.:. Do you now or have you ever had blonde hair? yeah when i was really little.

.:.Forty-one.:. Black hair? no, but would like to color it black.

.:.Forty-two.:. At the same time? no

.:.Forty-three.:. Do you often get hit on at work? no

.:.Forty-four.:. Which of your CDs has the best looking cover? not sure

.:.Forty-five.:. Do you do your own laundry? yes

.:.Forty-six.:. Do you get paid minimum wage? i get paid 40.00 every 2 weeks. for babysitting a little girl.

.:.Forty-seven.:. Do you think making out is slutty? not really

.:.Forty-eight.:. Do you enjoy eating tacos? yes

.:.Forty-nine.:. Last thing you ordered from Starbucks? nothing

.:.Fifty.:. Favourite shade of Green? don't really like green

.:.Fifty-one.:. Do you keep your coffee sleeves? no

.:.Fifty-two.:. Do you know what the sex move "Screaming Seagul" is? no

.:.Fifty-three.:. It's disgusting. What is something that really grosses you out? finding old meldewy things in the frige.

.:.Fifty-four.:. How often do you use your digital camera? all the time

.:.Fifty-five.:. Do you pronounce the 't' in often? yes

.:.Fifty-six.:. Do you think flowers are overrated? no

.:.Fifty-seven.:. Is your hair greasy right now? yes, cause i haven't washed it yet.

.:.Fifty-eight.:. Whose car were you in last? mark's

.:.Fifty-nine.:. Does your face get red easily? yes

.:.Sixty.:. What is your curfew? i can stay up as late as i want too

.:.Sixty-one.:. Do you use your toaster or your microwave more often? microwave

.:.Sixty-two.:. Is it still the year 2007? yes

.:.Sixty-three.:. How much was your biggest paycheck? n/a

.:.Sixty-four.:. What do you desperately need to buy? music!!!!!

.:.Sixty-five.:. Do you like writing? yes

.:.Sixty-six.:. Were you aware that this survey was written out first, and typed later, and the hard copy is probably still floating around my house somewhere? nope

.:.Sixty-seven.:. Are you currently under the influence of anything? no

.:.Sixty-eight.:. Have you ever lived in an apartment/suite/unit/whatever 68, or 70, and were envious that your next door neighbour lived in unit 69? no

.:.Sixty-nine.:. How many artists do you have on your iPod starting with the third letter of your name and what are they? none

.:.Seventy.:. How long have you been doing surveys? a couple of years

.:.Seventy-one.:. How do you cure a headache? take ibuprofen

.:.Seventy-two.:. Are you wearing a necklace? no

.:.Seventy-three.:. How many skulls are you wearing right now, and on what? none

.:.Seventy-four.:. Last person you held hands with? mark

.:.Seventy-five.:. How many countries have you visited? none

.:.Seventy-six.:. Do you have any cute band-aids with cartoon characters on them?no

.:.Seventy-seven.:. Have you ever had a sleep-over field trip with school (Like camping or something)? no

.:.Seventy-eight.:. Ever sniffed sharpies? no

.:.Seventy-nine.:. Are you currently friends with someone you once thought you would never be friends with? no

.:.Eighty.:. What colour is the phone at your work? n/a

.:.Eighty-one.:. Have you showered yet today? no, going to do that right after this.

.:.Eighty-two.:. How many gigs does your iPod have free? n/a

.:.Eighty-three.:. Last time having sex? last night

.:.Eighty-four.:. What brand are your headphones? sony

.:.Eighty-five.:. Last time clipping your toenails? yesterday

.:.Eighty-six.:. What colour is your laundry basket? blue

.:.Eighty-seven.:. Last time going grocery shopping? mar went a few days ago

.:.Eighty-eight.:. Last time being high? n/a

.:.Eighty-nine.:. Do you have baby pictures of yourself in your room? yes

.:.Ninety.:. Is Volcom a good brand name in your opinion? not sure if i ever used that brane before

.:.Ninety-one.:. How many CDs do you own? over 100

.:.Ninety-two.:. Do you know what loonies and toonies are? not sure

.:.Ninety-three.:. How many garbage cans do you have in your room? none

.:.Ninety-four.:. What room is your computer in? bedroom, or any place i want to put it. it's a laptop.

.:.Ninety-five.:. How many necklaces do you own? i don't even know, i know it's a lot though.

.:.Ninety-six.:. How many languages can you say 96 in? none

.:.Ninety-seven.:. When you take the bus do you notice that like 90% of people are listening to some kind of music device? don't know, i don't take the bus often enough.

.:.Ninety-eight.:. Does your hair shed a lot? no

.:.Ninety-nine.:. Does it annoy you when someone pulls the cord on the bus for next stop when it was already pulled? not really

.:.One.hundred.:. How many CD players do you own personally? 2
share your thoughts

Time:1:47 pm.
Mood: tired.
i feel so tired today, it must because i am so bored. i have finished everything that i needed to do. and now i have nothing to do. anyway, tomorrow is thankgiving as everyone knows.

i am looking forward to going over to mark's dad's house. it has been a while since we have seen him. we just have to figure out what time to be there and everything.

i hope that his dad isn't to upset with us. for not visiting more often you know? he is just going to have to understand that mark's job is keeping him busy way to much. and with him being sick for a little while there we couldn't go out visiting anyone.

i wish his dad would come visit us, but he wont for some reason. oh well, i'm hoping that tomorrow will be a nice day. and we will have a good visit together.

i wish i had more to write about, but i don't so i feel like i am just rambling on. so i guess i will end this for now. just want to wish everyone a happy thanksgiving, and i hope you all have a great time with your family and friends. take care everyone. bye for now.
share your thoughts

Monday, November 19th, 2007

Subject:Writer's Block: Giving Thanks
Time:11:22 am.
Mood: thankful.
What are 10 things you are thankful for?

10 things i am thankful for are as follows:

1. mark: because he is the greastes man that i have ever met. he helps out people that are in need, he loves me for who i am, he lets me make my own descions, he never puts me down or makes me feel like i need to treat him like a king or something like that. we talk about everything, we love the same things, and we are both happy to have each other. :)

2. richard, brianna, and brandon: because they are the greatest family i have ever met. they have been through a lot in the past year. richard's wife passed away a year ago, and that effected the whole family. after teru died, i took over watching brianna (she's 10)i walk her to the school bus stop, and watch her when her dad is not home, or when brandon (17) is not there. they are joy to have in our lives.

3. having a great place to live. it might not be much, but i don't need a whole lot. all i need in my life is my man, and great friends. everything else just falls into place.

4. aunt elaine, and uncle bill: these are basically the only 2 people in my family that keep in contact regulary. and understand what was happening back in florida. they have seen my dad's true colors, and have witnessed it first hand. i am so happy to have them in my life, and i do miss them. but thank god for the internet, it keeps up in contact with each other :)

5. my happiness, it feels so good to be happy again!

6. mark's dad (richard carruthers): he has already accepted me as his daughter, he did right when he met me. he is a great person, and father. mark and im have always been able to talk about everything together, they can joke around with each other. and no one gets their feelings hurt. i envy the relationship they have, i have never been able to do that with my own father. i was able to do that with my mom though :). but i guess i always wanted to express the same with my dad. i know call mark's my dad. and it makes him smile every time i do :).

7. my online friends: i don't know where i would be without you all. you have helped me out through a lot of things. and i thank you for that. you all hold a very special place in my heart, and i never will forget any of you. i will keep in touch with you all, i know i might disappear at times, but never think i have forgotten you, your on my mind all the time. i wonder how every one of you is doing, and i love to get emails from you. so write to me anytime!!!! you'll hear back from me, i'll promise you that.

8. i guess i can say that i am thankful for what i have experenced in my life. cause every little thing helped me to grow into the person i am today. it showed me what i didn't want to become, and what i did want to become. so i guess it's always good to go through heartache in your life.

9. i'm thankful for my mom: even though she is no longer her with me. it doesn't matter i still love her and think about her every day. i still can't believe that it has been 4 years now since she has been gone. i am thankful that god gave me to her, and i thankful about the goodtimes we had, i'll never forget them. mom i love you very much!!!!!

10. i'm thankful to just be alive. and experincing all the beauty the world has to offer.
share your thoughts

Subject:updating somethings
Time:10:19 am.
Mood: cheerful.
well, i think it's about time i revamp this journal, change things around. cause a lot of things have happend in my life for the better. and i can't say that i am exactly the same person i was when i was living back home. i have finally found out that i can be my true self, i can express how i truly am without someone telling me "no your not suppose to be that way, your suppose to be this way".

and it feels so good to let things out in the open now. i am no longer worried about what other people think of me. if they don't like me, or want to judge me for how i look, or act, or whatever they have problems with, then so be it. i don't need these people in my life. i have been through so much shit, over the years, and since i have moved out here to cali with mark, i have grown up so much.

probably sooner than i should have, when i was little i never got to be a child, it seems like i grew up over night. experencing what my dad did to my mom, i felt like i needed to protect her. i still miss her everyday, and i have to admit that my dad killed any love that i ever felt for him. i still have no contact with him, and i never will. it was because of him my mom died, and i will never forgive him, for as long as i live.

but at least now some of my family understands, why i needed to leave with mark. cause if we did not leave my dad would have killed us too. he already put a gun into mark's face, and threatened to shoot him right on the spot. what an asshole he is, and he will always be that way.

he doesn't know where in california i live, and he never will. let him spread all the lies he wants about me and mark. he doesn't know anything. let him say that mark stole from him, he never did. let him say that i stole money and gave it to mark, which i didn't steal anything, how can you steal money that is already yours????

i once sent some of my poems to aunt elaine, my suicide poems and my other sad poems to her, and she read them to my dad. my dad sat at there at aunt elaine's table, and laughed at my poems. he said "oh she always tried to write poems, she was never good at it." aunt elaine said "don't you see how bad off she was? don't you even care that she was thinking about sucide? don't you even care about what you did to her?" you know what my dad's answer was? "he said that he didn't care,that the school always called them to the office and had a talk them. he was never concerend about it." first of all the school never called and told him i was thinking about suicide, no one knew it, i hide my sadness really good. but i already knew if i did do it, my dad wouldn't have cared. i stuck around for my mom, cause she was the only one that loved me, and that needed me.

but i am no longer in that dark place, i have purpose in my life now, i have a wonderful life. and i am living every single minute of it. i smile every single day, i'm smiling now. no one can take this away from me, i wont let anyone take this away from me ever again.

i am never going back home to florida, i am a cali girl now, this is my home. i have told all of my family this, and i guess they somewhat understand, but they still want me to come back. never going to happen.

me and mark have talked about what we are going to do with the property after my dad passes. mark would like to go back and open up the shop we have on the farm. but me i don't want to. there will just be to much drama back there. i think some of my family would try to start problems with us. we might sell it or keep as a vacation home or something i don't know yet.

heck i'm not even sure i want to go back home to the funural when it happens. i know i should be there. but right now i don't care. i know that sounds bad of me, to people that don't understand it sounds heartless. but when you go through heartache after heartache with a person that doesn't love you, rather walk over like your a piece of trash, than love you like a daughter. you wouldn't want to go back either.

i think i'll just stay here, in the place i have always dreamn't of living. a place i never thought i would ever get to. if it wasn't for mark i never would have. i love him so much, not because he took me away from a bad situation. because he has always loved me for me, cause he has always lifted me up and told me i can do what ever i put my mind to do. and he is right. it feels so good to have someone love me, hold me, and talk to openly every single day. he is now my fiance, and i look forward to spending my whole life with him.

that's it for now,
share your thoughts

Tuesday, July 4th, 2006

Subject:big bear adventure
Time:9:47 am.
Mood: tired and worried.
ok where do i actually start at. well i guess i can start on saturday june 25th mark decided to surprise me by taking me up to big bear for a one day trip. he worked on his car after he got off of work on friday to make sure that it could make the trip up the mountain.

well, our 2 friends knew where he was taking me too, but i didn't. i have been wanting to see big bear for a very long time, mark grow up there. so on saturday morning he told me that we are going up to big bear for the day. i was so excited.

so we get things together, and start are little trip. well, we should have just turned around when the car started having troubles, it wasn't anything to major at the time. the gas line that mark put on the new fuel filter wouldn't start tight enough. so it was leaking all over the place.

anyway finally mark gets that fixed and he says that we are now going to big bear. well, after that everything was great. but when we started heading up the mountain that's when things started going haywire. the car started loosing it's power, and then the motor started making nosies, but mark was still pushing it to get it up the mountain cause there was no way we could make it down the mountain the way it was doing.

so we finally get up the mountain, we make it to big bear city and then the car just wont go anymore. thank god that mark has a friend up there, so he looks him up and we head over to his house. well, actually mark talks to his friends girlfriend, her name is chris. well, she seemed nice to start with....anyway that will come later. mark doesn't want her to tell larry that he is here. cause they haven't seen each other in 5 years so mark wants to surprise him.

well, larry finally gets home and he is so happy to see mark, and of course mark intrduces me, and larry gives me a big hug. so that was good, mark tells him all that has happend and larry says well, lets go get your car, and you can stay at our house until you can get the car fixed.

the thing is there is no where in big bear to get the car fixed. mark needs a special mechine to turn a crank on the car, and big bear doesn't have one. so we were screwed big time. oh and did i mention that we also owed rent for our apartment before we left. so just everything was getting to us. we stayed at larry's house, or should i say chris's house cause she wants everyone to relize it is her house and not larry's. we stayed there satuday night june 25th - thrusday june 30th, cause basically on wednesday night chris hit us whit you have to get out of our house now.

oh she was really bitchy about it. she said that "i need to talk with you 2",also she said that to eric to that was sitting right next to her. see there was 2 other people staying there also. eric and robin. anyway she started just telling us "you need to make a descion on what we are going to do" (which we have been trying to figure this out the whole time we were there, she knew this) "cause what ever you plan on doing is not going to be in this house." (meaning she thought that we were going to move in or something, she knew that we wanted to find a way back down the mountain so we could get home, or manage to buy a place there in big bear.)

she also said "i need everyone out of this house by tomorrow, hopfully before larry gets home from work." "and i can't stand that there is so many people in this house anymore, and like you said mark you were not going to stop by anyway while you were here." "so i just basically need the both of you out of here so i can get my life back." "you caught us at a very hard time right now, and i just can't take you being here anymore." "also your car can't stay here either, you can park it next door on the vacant property, it will be a while before someone tows it away." "i hope that you both can have a good night sleep tonight, oh and larry is going to be having a bbq for his b-day on the 3rd you are both welcome to come." well, i'm going to be now goodnight."

that is some of what she said, so she just basically gave us half a day to find somewhere else to stay at. which we didn't have the much money on us. so we had to see if we had enough money for a hotel room or something. and she didn't care if the car got towed or not, she just turned into a real bitch, she wanted to blame it on us why she stayed in her room so much all day. it wasn't because of us, it is because she is just plain lazy! and why should she get up, she has a good thing going with robin, robin does all the cleaning and everything in the house so chris don't have to do anything.

and everytime she does get up, she complains about how she can hardly move, and how bad she feels today. just everything, and she also complians about her gaining so much weight, she can't understand why she has. hmmm could it be because she eats all the time and just lays in bed? i'm sorry but she treated us badly, well, not only her but robin did too.

get this, the whole time we were over at their house, we hardly got anything to eat. except on saturday night when chris fixed something to eat and she fixed enough for all of us. well, the rest of the nights robin cooked. and she hardly left anything for me and mark to eat. she would fix eric, chris, larry, and her plate, and she would pile it up. and i saw her out the corner of my eye what she was doing. she would run really fast to chris's room cause where her, eric, and chris were staying at, and there would be a lot of food on their plates.

but when i got and see if i can fix me and mark's plate, there wouldn't hardly be anything there. maybe just a mouth full or 2 for both of us. even on the last night we were there at the house, robin fixed up a huge roast and i'm like good maybe we can finally eat tonight. nope, chris comes in and puts it up before we could have anything. and later on after chris said for us to get out. i looked in the frige to see how much was left, and there was only 1 huge slice left, out of a huge roast that filled up all of the pot.

and if it hadn't been for me watching the roast it would have burned, cause robin and chris went to lay down while the thing was cooking! i was the one putting water in it and all. but anyway me and mark ate nothing that night. we were even more worried now cause where were we going to stay at? mark even mentioned to her that we were probably going to have to live in the car now since we didn't have any other place to go, and all she did was roll her eyes and say well what ever you need to do better get done by tomorrow night. she got up and walked away to her room again.

but we did manage to get a hotel room on thursday, and then mark found a cheap rv camper to buy for 200.00 and we stayed in that friday. and then just decided to just drive the thing down the hill cause that is the only thing we could do. which would be very dangerous, cause the tires are all cracked on it, we were just hoping that none of them would blow on the way down the mountain.

the thing is mark had to leave his car there and are just hoping that it is alright where it is. and the whole time that we were stuck there i was worried about my fish speedy cause he wasn't getting fed, but we did have our dog ginger with us at least we knew she was alright.

gosh all i can say coming down the mountain on those tires was so scary, i'm just glad that we made it. we parked the camper over at where mark works at, and stayed there until monday july 3rd, cause that is the only place we could park it at. we couldn't bring it over to our apartment cause there is no place to put it.

we were also scared that we lost our apartment already cause we were so far behind on the rent payment. mark was even looking for a rv park to stay in, we might still have too. that is if we can't come up with the money we need. we would hate to lose this place.

oh and speedy is doing just fine, he was weak when we got here but i feed up and he pearked right up. also mark went back to work last night cause he had a van he needed to get fixed before today. but the thing is he didn't come home at all, he said that he would be back home. i waited up for him until 1am. no sign and then i kept on waking up to see if he was here. i'm thinking he might have stayed in the camper last night, at least i hope so, i am just worried about him. and he can't call me cause our phone is off, but we still have internet lol.

last night was the hardest time i had sleeping and i have been crying off and on all day cause i have no idea where he is at right now. i thought he would drive his bosses truck back over here but he didn't. he has the keys to it, and he is allowed to drive it.

also big bear was so beautiful, even though we had a very hard time up there, i still love it and want to go back. which we are going to get the chance to cause we have to go get mark's car, and i asked him if we could take sometime to look around before we go home, and he says that he plans too.

so we will see what happens then, we will probably go back up this weekend. wish us luck. i think this time i might leave ginger with mark's dad cause if something happens this time at least we know we can ride a bus back down here. but we will see on that too.

also today mark's dad is going to come get us for a bbq over at his house, so that is going to be real fun. anyway i better go i think i have wrote enough for now. i'm going back to lay down, don't feel like doing much today to tired. i'll write later on, bye for now.
share your thoughts

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

Subject:can't wait
Time:4:28 pm.
Mood: excited.
gosh in just a few more days (6 to be exact) i will be on my way to california with mark. i can't wait, i fianlly will be able to do what ever i want to. be able to be out as late as i want to, i will finally be free from this place. if i didn't have mark then i would have never got out of here. i am just to scared to talk up to my dad, well most people understand why that is. and they don't blame me on bit for wanting to keep my mouth shut about things to him. you never know when he will blow up in your face or what else he might do.

but finally me and mark are going to be happy and free together. it was just getting unbareable around here, i mean he was treating mark the same way he does me. like when mark just wants to take off for the store at 11 at night and he hears him leave he has to ask me where is he going this late at night? he shouldn't go anywhere this late. it's just crazy! but soon all of this will change.

i still have a few things i want to pack up but other than that i am all done. mark is very excited about this to. he grow up in california and that is where his dad lives so he is happy to be able to see him again. and i have talked with his dad on the phone many times and he sounds so sweet. i can tell that he is nothing like my dad, and that is a wonderful thing.

i don't even know if i am going to call my dad when i am in california, i know as soon as i get on the phone with him he will start yelling at me. so i have thought about just writing him a letter, that is if my dad is even going to remember to check the mail when i'm gone. i know that he doesn't check the mail everyday, he goes weeks without even remembering to check it. as for me i check it every day. so we will have to see.

can't believe that one of my dreams is actually coming true, who knows maybe more are on the way. also i hope mark can find someone to take my fish, i can't bring them with me, cause mark is afriad they wont make it the 3 day drive. so i have to ask him about this when he gets home from work.

anyway i better go for now, i'll write more later. you all take care
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Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

Time:4:19 am.
Mood: worried and very tired.
not doing so good at the moment. i have been trying to get ahole of my bf all day, and he is not answering his cell phone. actually the only thing that comes up right away is his voice mail it wont ring or anything. so i am kind of worried about him.

i don't know if he doesn't have a signal where he is at or not. all i know is that i can not sleep tonight, because i haven't talked with him. we have been talking every night so it is hard when we don't talk with one another.

i just hope that my call can get through tomorrow. i know i should get some sleep cause i can hardly hold my eyes open. i guess i will get off of here in a little bit. i hope everyone else is doing ok.

i'll write a better entry sometime tomorrow. got to go now bye
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Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

Time:3:21 am.
Mood: depressed.
this week started out very badly. on monday april 4th my aunt lelia passed away, they were going to do an autopsy on her but the people that do that were taking to long and all. so carol (daughter) and peter (son) just told them to release the body. so tomorrow we are going back to aunt lelia's house and vist with the family some. and then thrusday is the viewing and then friday we bury her. right next to her husband tiny, i sure do miss her and i haven't been taking it to well. she was my favorite aunt, and one of my mom's sisters.

i remembering aunt lelia saying that she thought she would be the first to go not my mom. well, she is with my mom now and her husband, and everyone else that has passed on. i bet they are having a great time up in heaven :)

even though it is tough on us down here, but you just got to keep pressing on right? even though you feel like you can't take anymore. i'm still in shock over this happening, and i'm kind of afraid to view her body, it's because she reminded me so much of my mom that it will probably bring some emotions that i don't think i can handle. but i do need to say goodbye.

i really hate this. i need to go now, i'm freezing so i'm going to cover up with a blanket and hopefully fall to sleep. i'll write more later bye.
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Saturday, March 26th, 2005

Time:5:54 pm.
Mood: bored.

I know it has been a while since I have updated. Things have just been really busy around here and things with me and Mark are going fine. Even though he is still out on the road, he came home last month (on the 14th and stayed for 5 days) this month he is going to try to come home on the 13th and I don't know how long he will be staying.

I have to admit it is hard being here without him, but I am trying to keep myself busy and I guess it is working some. I don't think I am going to have long to write because my dad is going to want to go eat soon. So I have to hurry up and get off this thing again. I know I will be back on here sometime tonight if anyone would like to chat with me. I'm going to update my front page so you all will know my new screen names.

Since aol decided to cancle me I had to change everything around. I do have an aol screen name (that will be on the front page) I downloaded their messenger so I could try to stay in touch with my aol friends. But all that will be updated after I get back from super. I do hope that you all are doing great. I'll talk with you all later. Take care

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